~☮A Compilation of Letters. ღ~
“We fell in love but we fell too soon”
I thought I would tell you how I’ve been feeling and maybe get you to think about your own feelings: past, present, and future. First, I’d like to apologize for not truly understanding what you had been going through during our time together. We had faced the unexpected throughout and so, had already formed preconceived ideas from those experiences in more personal and private events in our lives. All things considered, it would be difficult for me to ‘sound’ indifferent about this subject, as I had hopes of it working.
The ‘unexpected’ happened in and around places like Hopeville & Occum and those kind of dilemmas became an underlying turbulence for me. I had built up prejudices against how ‘the heroine’ would inevitably have the advantage over such innocence, or lack thereof. It all seemed ‘just about’ too much, so, therefore I had chosen to suffer, instead.
Around this time, I felt I had exposed too much already, which pushed my “non-trust” or fear into high gear and worried you would use it against me. Understandably, this would leave me feeling (all the more) vulnerable; embarrassed; non-trusting, etc., in many aspects of my life. In all fairness, I hadn’t learned how to be comfortable with myself, yet, as this was never taught earlier on in life. It didn’t seem fair I should be expected to know how, and from whom?
What made matters worse was, I hadn’t experienced “jealousy” within a relationship and couldn’t put myself in your shoes. Nonetheless, my need for acceptance became the silhouette winning itself over to avoidance. This led to many decisions I have made; without wanting to look at them directly; which slowly invalidated any potential of gaining ‘real’ control over my life in years to come. If I could heal from my past; develop clear boundaries; then I could potentially obtain a healthy relationship; one that I knew I was capable of, on the inside anyway.
Life became utterly unpredictable and I feared the unknown. I needed to feel safe in order to sort out my choices of suitors…. Taking the time to write to you now is one of the nicest things I’ve done today. I feel like life moves so fast and it’s easy to get caught up in the race that leads no where… but in order to write this letter I will slow down – put on some music, light my candles…
I don’t think people intend to end up here, they just do. Understandably, we do what we have to do; usually by trial and error; in order to survive. Unfortunately, many of us learn the hard way how to treat people and ourselves and it takes years of stupid decisions to perfect. Slowly but surely, one decision after another seemed to change the course of fate for many years to come. This is a story of survival. °°