Whoever invented Valentine’s Day must have been in Toronto (or New York, or Boston...) on a February day like this. I’m sure he or she just wanted to skip work, go home, and get laid. Smart. Thought I’d make up a soundtrack with that in mind; may it help keep you out of the long line-ups for terrible, terrible things like Safe Haven next week.
1. Black Sabbath – Planet Caravan
So, you’ve got your crush downstairs in your bedroom and she (or he) thinks it’s cool that you’ve painted it black. Now if she (or he) likes your music collection, then you’re set – in fact, if you’re not making out by the time “Planet Caravan” comes on (the ultimate in nostalgic make out songs) then your plan went wrong somewhere, dude.
Ok, I’m now going to let you choose one of two paths here – the romantic, or the...let’s call it passionate.
2. Otis Redding – Try a Little Tenderness
Romantic. Nobody says it better than Otis. Treat her (him) (I’m now going to stick to the female pronoun, being a straight woman assuming, on Valentine’s, that seduction is in the hands of the man for me, but please substitute your own pronouns and situations henceforth) right.
3.Melanie Doane – I Can’t Take My Eyes Off You
This song is about a TV, so if you end up alone next week, you can seduce your TV and then watch it. Or, if you are so fortunate, you can keep things progressing with what works as a pretty romantic song.
4. Carla Bruni – La Noyée
I have no idea what this song is about, but near the end she laughs all seductively. Good enough. If you don’t speak French, or do and know it's romantic, why not use it.
The passionate route:
5. Chris Isaak – Wrong to Love You
There are two versions of this song, and both are pretty hot. Depends if you’re in a tropical mood or not. I’ll put both up, and again, you choose.
6. Led Zeppelin – Whole Lotta Love
Dirtier still. Not much else to say about this song. If you’re having trouble communicating what you want at this point, it’s fairly literal. Best of luck to you at this stage.
7. Rolling Stones – Stray Cat Blues
I’m sorry, I went in a bad direction. Actually, don’t play it, unless she’s a huge Stones fan. Even then.
Let’s get back to the task at hand.
8.Aimee Mann and Jim White – Static on the Radio
Songs like this suggest that things are gettin’ all sexy, and moving towards the finish, so I’ll bring both directions back together with numbers 8 thru 11.
9. Calexico – Maybe on Monday
Ok, so the lyrics aren’t all that relevant to the scenario – “Say a little goodbye to your love” – unless you’re thinking, um, metaphorically? This is nevertheless an appropriate song, with its well-timed builds and releases and repetition at the end. The recorded version is better for those subtleties, but I’m going to post a live one because I’m totally crushing on Joey Burns here (indulge me; ’tis the season).
10. k d lang - Chatelaine
When you’re all done.
11. Steve Earle - Valentine's Day
Finally, if you screw up and forget.